YNGWIE

The first tape my dad ever made me was a memorex with yellow labels, featuring Yngwie Malmsteen "Trilogy" on side A and Helloween "Keeper of the Seven Keys" on side B. I must have been around 6 or 7 when he gave it to me. Apparently it was the two records I responded to most, so he dubbed them for me so I could listen to them in my room.
Two decades later, I'm sad to say not a lot of people remember Yngwie (Helloween does a bit better). I see it as my duty to keep the spirit of music alive, so let's talk Malmsteen. This Scandinavian master basically tried to play operas on his guitar as a little kid, and so developed his own epic sound. The man was such an incredible guitarplayer that he could put out records under his own name, without even singing on them. He just got random dudes to sing and play the non-shredding instruments, like it was all just filler to him. Amazing. Well, if you want any more bland info, check wikipedia. I know you're too lazy to do that, or to download any of his albums, so here. Let's just go the youtube route. This is the video for "You Don't Remember (I'll Never Forget)", the first song off the Trilogy album (also my favorite Yngwie jam):



This video features everything a good cock rock video needs. Seen in chronological order:
Fast cars, men that look like fast women, pirate shirts, a drummer making obscene tongue gestures, a multitude of completely ridiculous guitar-throwing moves, bandanas tied around mic stands, Yngwie doing a low kick in spandex, Yngwie's classic pose (1:17), an obvious Cro-Mags reference (2:08), Marshall stacks, green alien lights emanating from a guitar during a ridiculous solo, and the best post guitar solo sequence in a music video ever: Yngwie waving at his guitar while playing a one handed outro to his own solo, footage of cops arresting a rocker interspersed with the bassplayer oddly swinging his bass left and right, imitating either a grandfather clock or a huge cock, Yngwie doing a high kick in spandex, and finally a good half minute of ridiculous poses intertwined with shots of the crowd, featuring a hot babe, who when viewed in slow motion clearly wants a piece of Malmsteen. As should anyone who just saw that.