YOU CAN COUNT ON ME, YOUR FELLOW MAN

The other day I was talking to my man Hinkey. He said his band True Colors was playing some fest in Germany, and they had the brilliant idea of asking every band on the bill to write a blurb about every band on the bill. Sensing he was not up to the task, I offered to help my good friend out. He sent me the list of bands, most of which I'd never heard of, I wrote this little gem in about five minutes and sent it back. I think Hinkey ultimately passed up the opportunity of sharing my penmanship to the germans, so instead I will share it with you.

analena: named after packos sisters moms pastery chef, this band can do no wrong. sounds like madball.
blacklisted: named after the best breakdown record*, this band can do no wrong. featuring dave sosies!
cheap thrills: named after a great killing raw deal time song, this band can do some wrong, since they are from germany.
common cause: named after the label that put out the Krakdown EP, which isn't as good as the demos, but still pretty awesome, this band cannot do wrong despite having a German singer, who was in the best non-true blue german hardcore band. great band!
fallbrawl: named after two words that rhyme, this band is probably amazing. slick rick used to rhyme and he was the man, so these guys are great by default.
fargo: Fargo is based on true events that occurred in Minnesota in 1987 with the names changed to protect the victims. Jerry works in his father-in-law's car dealership and has gotten himself in financial problems. He tries various schemes to come up with money needed for a reason that is never really explained. It has to be assumed that his huge embezzlement of money from the dealership is about to be discovered by father-in-law. When all else falls through, plans he set in motion earlier for two men to kidnap his wife for ransom to be paid by her wealthy father (who doesn't seem to have the time of day for son-in-law). From the moment of the kidnapping, things go wrong and what was supposed to be a non-violent affair turns bloody with more blood added by the minute. Jerry is upset at the blood shed, which turns loose a pregnant sheriff from MN who is tenacious in attempting to solve the three murders in her jurisdiction. 8/10
goldust: named after a homosexual wrestler, whose dad was some famous wrestler in the 70s, which is when no one really gave a fuck about wrestling because a) acid was still good and b) the ultimate warrior, the undertaker and tatanka were not around.
the homefront: named after the homefront, which is possibly germany, these guys may or may not be fascists. since such rumors were spread about the best bands i have ever seen, such as dead stop, mumbo jumbo and agnostic front, these guys are in good company.
lighthouse: what the fuck. really? light house? that's the opposite bandname of shipwreck and shipwrecked (norway - great band) so make of that what you will.
make it count: named after a song most likely written by a posi band from 1997, these guys can do no wrong. i love BOLD.
nothing gold can stay: named after a line in a movie that was a book about greasers which quotes some other book, these guys feature members of H-Street who unfortunately looked like elvis presley last time i saw them, which rules unless you are not actually elvis presley. H-Street though, awesome demo. the last song sounded like COS 'impact' so much. epic.
oathbreaker: great name if you are sellouts. are they? named after sellouts? really? haha, i used the word sellout in 2008.
the real danger: named after a real danger, featuring de enorme bril on vocals, these guys are totally a hardcore band with the singer of uppercut, who used to beef with the singer from abusive action, who wrote one of the best demos of the zotte sfeer era. good times.
rhythm to madness: stief would always write thrashmetal riffs in between justice practicing. i knew it would happen one day. and here it is.
something inside: i once gave these guys a terrible review, but then they just sent me their next demo. i thought that was awesome. i also remember seeing one of those dudes at ieperfest '98, totally ripped and wearing an OG PX shirt, so this dude was way ahead of his time and is probably like 40 now. great band.
sunpower: de mon decker op drums. megazotte sfeer.
tomorrow tomorrow: named after duran duran, but with a different word, these guys are probably terrible. i mean you never know, they could sound like the singer from ENUF singing on the unreleased CFA EP, but somehow i doubt it.
true colors: named after the band that the dude from citizens arrest was in, these guys can do no wrong. featuring peers, who loves showing you his nutsack, packo who loves showing you his wang, and two members of the justice villa stomp crew. het is nog altijd geen uur voor frieten.
paint it black: named after a famous song by the Beatles, these guys are pretty old, but then so is abe vigoda, and he is the fucking best dude ever.
trash talk: these guys tried to cross into canada, and the border patrol noticed a sticker on their van of some rap group holding guns, and were like 'why do you guys have a picture of yourself holding guns on your van?'. racism in 2008, kind of fucked up.

*breakdown demos are not breakdown records