SPOILER GOES TO HOLLYWOOD

I am glad to inform you I have started active work on a very large project that has been in the works for a long, long time: I am making my first feature film. Seeing as most of my favorite motion pictures are based upon a novel, I decided the best way to make a name for myself as a filmmaker would be to work with the bestselling novel of all time, the Holy Bible.

Much like any good movie, I am adapting the script to be split into a trilogy. After successful works such as The Godfather, Indiana Jones, and Star Wars (those new ones don't count), I think this project is bound for great things. The Holy Bible trilogy will consist of:

The Holy Bible Part I, The Old Testament
The Holy Bible Part II, The New Testament
The Holy Bible Part III, Haterz Be Damned

I have recently finished all screenplay adaptations for The Old Testament, and am glad to say this installment is nearing production. A team consisting of talented musicians from various angles of the music spectrum is being organized to compose a complete score. I am speaking to, and am very close to confirming: Porcell, Kerry King, Raphael Ravenscroft, Madonna, The Super Disco Chicken Farmhouse Band, and the drummer from Urban Waste. Already confirmed: the original singer of Nickelback and Adam Green. Unfortunately, putting together such a diverse group of musicians has led to some altercations, resulting a few members to withdraw their interests from the project. Randy Savage, Sakevi Yokoyama, Cat Stevens, the dude from Kansas, and Sticky Fingaz, I wish you the best in your future projects.

I have also started casting some of the parts. I am glad to announce that none other than Fergie (Grindhouse, The Fog) has been emailed the script and is possibly interested in the part of Mary Magdalene. Also interested are Steve Guttenberg (star of the Canadian action thriller Airborne) for the role of Moses, and his Police Academy co-star G.W. Bailey for the part of Judas (inside scoop: word on the street is that the Blue Oyster Bar may or may not be worked into The New Testament!) For the part of Adam, I am speaking to Samuel L. Jacksons' dad, Bill Clinton's assistant's brother and Fred "Shockmaster" Ottman. I have faxed Sativa Rose as well as Tatjana Simic about the part of Eve, and I heard John Turturro is interested in both.

Several cameos are also being worked on, including Larry David (as the Wandering Jew), Zed (as himself), The Undertaker (Death), Freddy Prinze Jr. (Chris Farley) and Chuck Berry (Bobby/Satan).

But here is what you really want to know: who is already cast? Ladies and Gentlemen, without further ado, may I introduce to you: Keenen Ivory Wayans (Jacob), Uncle Phil (Joseph), Paul Hogan (Heath Ledger), Morgan Freeman (Samuel L. Jackson), Samuel L. Jackson (Morgan Freeman), Abe Vigado (God), Hoodrack (Carl The Mosher), and Babe Ruth as the guy who shot John Lennon.

Finally, for the two lead roles... drum roll... Rick Ta Life as Jesus H. Christ and Vinnie Stigma as Johnny, Jesus' sidekick! I know, right? With a stellar cast and crew lining up to work on this feature presentation, nothing can go wrong. Putting it all together, I have Director Dan Ducas (aka Triple D) and Producer Phil Spector (aka the Double PS) on deck, camera work by Kevin Mitchell Parris Cro-Mags Mayhew and Doink The Clown, and I have a skinhead eating a baby as stage manager/ props coordinator. I am sure I forgetting some important people, but I just wanted to take a minute and get the word out. I am still looking for sponsors, extras and stunt doubles (Brock Lesnar just tore a ligament). Give me some feedback, I can't wait to start shooting!